Land of the Big Boys.
My little peanut butter belly boy is 8 months old today! Sadly I have no new pictures to post - later this week perhaps. Take my word for it - he's as gorgeous as ever.
A conundrum: while every marriage usually includes an in-law relative or two, families with babies often must deal with the "stuff" that goes with that issue times a hundred. Not only is your husband's mother just that, but a grandparent to your child with all the rights and joys that goes with that package. But that package can also include a battle in how to raise your child. For me, this issue started before I even gave birth.
I don't mean for this post to become anti-MIL because I'm not that. My MIL has the hugest heart, is generous beyond compare and puts everyone ahead of herself. I love her and feel nothing but the same back from her. Its just that we're very different, in every sense of the world. Different ideas about EVERYTHING, including parenting and children. She's very traditional and "from the farm"; my opinions are formed from a different upbringing, a degree in psychology and education, and from a hoard of parenting and child development books I've been reading voraciously.
She knows how I feel about spanking. We debated this somewhat a year ago, before E was born. I say no, she says I'm kidding myself. That's neither here nor there. It's my child, and Troy and I will decide how we will discipline our child. She will have to abide by that rule. To the day, we've not had to discuss it again (Ethan's too young for discipline yet) as we both realize is a topic we disagree on and we don't want to argue. But that time will come soon, I know it. I'm not looking forward to the conversation. I hate confrontation, hurting people's feelings; arguing in general. But my kid comes first.
I was just a little ticked when visiting her briefly yesterday with Ethan. E was pulling on her necklace (as he's bound to do with anyone with sparkle around their neck) and my MIL was trying to reason with him not to do that. Whatever. He's a little young to understand - but if she wants to risk having her jewelry broken, that's her choice. What bothered me is that she jokingly said in a sing-song voice "you pull grandma's necklace you'll get five in the eye!" which means, to put it crudely, punched in the head. Nice. Now obviously my MIL is not going to punch him. But its just not funny. Joking about whipping a child is not funny. Joking about going ahead with corporal punishment IN FRONT OF ME after conversations we've had is incredibly disrespectful. I said nothing.
I know she meant no harm. But I'm not from a family who thinks that kind of thing is cute and funny. Its the context. Maybe I'm overreacting. I think we just have to have a real open and blunt talk about this.
Another issue is that my MIL is quite religious, which is just fine. I'm not. My husband has faith, but he's quite private about that. My MIL knows I don't share her beliefs, and I think we can be mutually respectful on that. But what I also discovered yesterday is that she's been buying Christian children's books to read with Ethan when he comes to visit. I appreciate how she would want to share her faith with her grandchildren. But I think that she needs to ask me and Troy about that. To be honest, even Troy and I have not discussed how we'll raise Ethan as far as religion goes. But Connie's life is quite religious - and I just don't want to answer Ethan's questions in the future about God and Jesus and different bible stories as "well that's what Grandma believes" and discredit her. I don't know what to do about that issue, but think we can wait awhile until we give Ethan some religious direction (or not). But a conversation with me would have been more respectful of my MIL don't you think? The book's message was that a child should be like Jonah and obey Jesus, otherwise Jesus and God will be mad and bad things will happen. Not a message I particularly think is suitable for my child.
Ok - enough of this post. I know my thoughts are all over the map. I think my MIL and I need to share a bottle of wine (at least we can agree on that) and lunch and have a respectful conversation before things progress any further. Before Ethan gets older. Pull in the reigns a bit. She's a lovely lady and I'm pretty sure that if she knew how much this stuff bothered me she'd be willing to work with me here.
If any of my readers have any experience in this kind of stuff with in-laws or other folks of significance in your child's life, I'd sure like to hear about it. Please comment!
A conundrum: while every marriage usually includes an in-law relative or two, families with babies often must deal with the "stuff" that goes with that issue times a hundred. Not only is your husband's mother just that, but a grandparent to your child with all the rights and joys that goes with that package. But that package can also include a battle in how to raise your child. For me, this issue started before I even gave birth.
I don't mean for this post to become anti-MIL because I'm not that. My MIL has the hugest heart, is generous beyond compare and puts everyone ahead of herself. I love her and feel nothing but the same back from her. Its just that we're very different, in every sense of the world. Different ideas about EVERYTHING, including parenting and children. She's very traditional and "from the farm"; my opinions are formed from a different upbringing, a degree in psychology and education, and from a hoard of parenting and child development books I've been reading voraciously.
She knows how I feel about spanking. We debated this somewhat a year ago, before E was born. I say no, she says I'm kidding myself. That's neither here nor there. It's my child, and Troy and I will decide how we will discipline our child. She will have to abide by that rule. To the day, we've not had to discuss it again (Ethan's too young for discipline yet) as we both realize is a topic we disagree on and we don't want to argue. But that time will come soon, I know it. I'm not looking forward to the conversation. I hate confrontation, hurting people's feelings; arguing in general. But my kid comes first.
I was just a little ticked when visiting her briefly yesterday with Ethan. E was pulling on her necklace (as he's bound to do with anyone with sparkle around their neck) and my MIL was trying to reason with him not to do that. Whatever. He's a little young to understand - but if she wants to risk having her jewelry broken, that's her choice. What bothered me is that she jokingly said in a sing-song voice "you pull grandma's necklace you'll get five in the eye!" which means, to put it crudely, punched in the head. Nice. Now obviously my MIL is not going to punch him. But its just not funny. Joking about whipping a child is not funny. Joking about going ahead with corporal punishment IN FRONT OF ME after conversations we've had is incredibly disrespectful. I said nothing.
I know she meant no harm. But I'm not from a family who thinks that kind of thing is cute and funny. Its the context. Maybe I'm overreacting. I think we just have to have a real open and blunt talk about this.
Another issue is that my MIL is quite religious, which is just fine. I'm not. My husband has faith, but he's quite private about that. My MIL knows I don't share her beliefs, and I think we can be mutually respectful on that. But what I also discovered yesterday is that she's been buying Christian children's books to read with Ethan when he comes to visit. I appreciate how she would want to share her faith with her grandchildren. But I think that she needs to ask me and Troy about that. To be honest, even Troy and I have not discussed how we'll raise Ethan as far as religion goes. But Connie's life is quite religious - and I just don't want to answer Ethan's questions in the future about God and Jesus and different bible stories as "well that's what Grandma believes" and discredit her. I don't know what to do about that issue, but think we can wait awhile until we give Ethan some religious direction (or not). But a conversation with me would have been more respectful of my MIL don't you think? The book's message was that a child should be like Jonah and obey Jesus, otherwise Jesus and God will be mad and bad things will happen. Not a message I particularly think is suitable for my child.
Ok - enough of this post. I know my thoughts are all over the map. I think my MIL and I need to share a bottle of wine (at least we can agree on that) and lunch and have a respectful conversation before things progress any further. Before Ethan gets older. Pull in the reigns a bit. She's a lovely lady and I'm pretty sure that if she knew how much this stuff bothered me she'd be willing to work with me here.
If any of my readers have any experience in this kind of stuff with in-laws or other folks of significance in your child's life, I'd sure like to hear about it. Please comment!
posted by Sherocious at 11:11 a.m.
3 Comments:
Neither of my parents were religious in any way. We did as kids learn a few prayers, and went to Sunday school I think mainly as a "good thing" and to learn some of the things that my religious grandmother would have approved of. But religion was not discussed as a way of living or a model to follow. I think we were just not meant to cause disappointment to my grandmother as kids, or for my parents as good examples for my grandmother to approve of. In the end I found my own way by knowing enough about both sides, and feeling that my own thoughts about the disparity between truth and 'belief' led me to find my own path to goodness without the dogma that didn't provide for me an honest way to treat each other well. I also believe I would have found an answer without the little bit of Christian teaching if I had needed to search for some kind of guide in my life. Parents, not grandparents, need to teach what they feel is true...the developed child will seek more or nothing more, if they feel it is desireable. Nan
Neither of my parents were religious in any way. We did as kids learn a few prayers, and went to Sunday school I think mainly as a "good thing" and to learn some of the things that my religious grandmother would have approved of. But religion was not discussed as a way of living or a model to follow. I think we were just not meant to cause disappointment to my grandmother as kids, or for my parents as good examples for my grandmother to approve of. In the end I found my own way by knowing enough about both sides, and feeling that my own thoughts about the disparity between truth and 'belief' led me to find my own path to goodness without the dogma that didn't provide for me an honest way to treat each other well. I also believe I would have found an answer without the little bit of Christian teaching if I had needed to search for some kind of guide in my life. Parents, not grandparents, need to teach what they feel is true...the developed child will seek more or nothing more, if they feel it is desireable. Nan
We struggle with the same things. My MIL is heavy-duty Catholic, my parents are born-agains, and the boy and I are "whatevers" (we attend church and whatever..). I try to think of it the same way you do "wow, its nice that grandma would want the children to understand her faith", I only tend to interject when the children receive bad doctrine. The whole "disobeying makes Jesus sad" crap. If Jesus got sad whenever we did anything wrong, he'd be suicidal by now. I just don't need my kids accepting any guilt about how a diety feels about their behaviour. Too intense. Thankfully, MIL is out east, and my parents accept my boundaries.
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